“I Thought I Had a Vocation, But Now...”

The following fictional letter, which was published in issue No. 121 of The Reign of Mary, addresses a question that comes up frequently among young women who are considering a religious vocation.

Dear Sister,

I hope that you can help me with something that has come up in my life. Sister, you know that I’ve talked about entering the convent for as long as I’ve known you. All my life I’ve been looking forward to my entrance. But a few weeks ago I met a young man — a model traditional Catholic. Now I’m wondering if I might have been mistaken about my vocation all this time. Or is God just testing me? I don’t know what to think! Of course, I’ve just met him, but I’ve never felt this way before... I don’t know what to do now, Sister. How can I know for SURE whether God wants me to be a nun? Did you ever have doubts?

Sincerely,
N.N.

Dear N.,

I think it may set your mind at ease to take just a moment to review exactly what a religious vocation is. It really is quite a simple thing — easy enough to recognize, that is, although not necessarily easy to follow. It is, after all, a sacrifice. Basically, this is what comprises a religious vocation:

1) The qualities necessary to live such a vocation: good physical and mental health, ordinary talents, freedom from the obligation to care for or support others, normal piety. There’s no question here — it’s pretty clear that you have these qualities.

2) Acceptance by the superiors of the religious community. This is where doubts about one’s vocation are definitely settled. The superior has the God-given role of judging the fitness of the candidate; her acceptance in the name of the Church indicates that the vocation is an authentic one. And although vocations are badly needed, superiors do turn away some of those who apply, while others they send home during the postulancy or novitiate. The candidate’s fitness for the religious life must be carefully scrutinized during those first few years, because a young woman who does not have a genuine vocation will not be equipped to withstand the hardships of religious life and will not be happy in the convent for long.

3) The willingness to give up some of the most precious things in life in response to Christ’s invitation. Namely, this means freely giving up the right to the joys of marriage and raising your own family (chastity), the right to ownership (poverty), and the right to do your own will (obedience). This is a choice only you can make; no one can make it for you.

Did I ever have doubts about my vocation? Yes. Still, though at times I didn’t want to admit it, I saw it as a grace that God was offering to me. Something told me that if I did not accept this grace when it was offered, I may not be given another chance. Circumstances could take me down paths where retracing my steps would be impossible. Even during my postulancy and novitiate I had doubts. But I was assured that I would not be allowed to take vows if I did not have a true vocation. I also knew that if I decided during this time that religious life was not for me, I was free to leave. I was not “trapped” because I had made the choice to enter.

As for the young man you met, the attraction you feel for him simply is an indication that you are a normal, healthy human being (as in #1 above). People often think that girls who have religious vocations can’t possibly fall in love, that they must be angelic, having no interest whatsoever in boys. But doesn’t this suggest that God only wants girls who are not quite normal — or the ones no one else wants? That would be sad! These people are mistaken. Religious Sisters are normal human beings, but they have chosen to love in a different way. It takes a tremendous amount of faith and love for a young woman to give her heart and her life to an invisible God, and to resist following the path that people in the world follow — especially if she meets someone special and those wonderful, powerful feelings enter the picture and are (or seem to be) reciprocated.

What is “falling in love” anyway? It is an overwhelming euphoria arising from a strong attraction to a person of the opposite sex. Falling in love is actually a normal, healthy physical phenomenon, although it has psychological and emotional elements. The mutual attraction between the sexes, which in itself is morally indifferent, is as much part of being human as hunger or thirst. Obviously, God created men and women this way for the good of the human race. But the feeling of “being in love” does not always last. Married people can lose this feeling after being with their spouse for a time, but this doesn’t necessarily mean that their marriage is in trouble. The feeling is meant to lead to genuine love, which is meant to last unto death, and even beyond. Nevertheless, it is clearly not lawful to give expression to such feelings whenever they arise. However much the world insists that if two people fall in love, they are “meant” for one another, it simply is not true. It is possible, for example, to feel this kind of attraction toward a married person, but in this and other cases, following through on such feelings would be downright sinful.

Love, however, is on a higher level than “falling in love,” which is involuntary. Love is a spiritual thing, an act of the will by which you unselfishly wish the other person good — the highest good you can wish for them, the good of their souls and their ultimate salvation. Considered this way, it becomes clear that it can require greater love to not express a strong affection than to express it, for true love leads one to refrain from all that would be spiritually harmful to the one loved.

Getting back to the question of vocation, then, for many Sisters entrance into the religious life was a real sacrifice. One Sister told me that she had considered entering the convent early in high school and had made up her mind to enter by the time she was a junior. Then one day she met a very special young man. But because she had already formed a solid conviction about her vocation, and was determined to follow up on her plan to give her life to God, she maintained enough of a distance that there was no possibility of endangering her vocation. In her heart, she was already “engaged,” or betrothed, to Christ. For her, meeting this young man added the element of sacrifice to her vocation; leaving the world, and even her family, was not nearly as much of a sacrifice.

The analogy of an “engagement” or betrothal is a powerful one, even in a purely natural sense. A young woman whose fiance goes off to war reserves her heart for him even though she may meet other young men in his absence. It takes a certain strength of character and an unselfish generosity for her to be faithful to him even though she is not actually married to him yet. Of course, in the case of a religious vocation, this conviction must be based on supernatural faith as well as love.

What do I mean by conviction? I mean that determination that “I am resolved to my life to God and nothing will stop me unless He shows me that it is not His Will.” In other words, unless insurmountable obstacles prevent me from entering religious life or my superiors tell me I do not have a vocation, I intend to consecrate my life to God in religion. If I have been accepted for admittance, but one day decide that I don’t feel like entering any more, I can safely regard this as a temptation, because in my heart I have betrothed myself to Christ. (Certainly the devil will do whatever he can to discourage souls from entering religious life!) Even if I happen to be mistaken about my vocation, I have nothing to fear, because my superiors will not permit me to make this commitment if they have doubts about my fitness, and I will be able to return to the lay state.

So again, in your case, everything comes down to #3 in the list above: are you willing? You seem to possess the qualities necessary to live religious life, and the superiors are willing to allow you to enter. Remember Our Lord and the rich young man who wanted to do more than simply live the commandments, which he had observed from his youth. Christ looked upon him, loved him, and then said to him, “IF thou wilt be perfect, go, sell all thou hast and give it to the poor, and come follow Me.” One might say that Our Lord is looking upon you with love and inviting you in much the same way. Again, this is a choice only you can make.

I hope that this has been helpful. May our Heavenly Mother continue to guide you along the path of God’s holy Will...

Sincerely,
Sister Mary N.

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